Originally published Tuesday, October 8, 2019 at 08:29p.m.

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

    USA Today reports a Georgia high school suspended a teacher Friday for telling her students that boys who display the Confederate flag will someday grow up to marry their sisters. I applaud the suspension. I think it’s about time the US education system took a stand against revealing spoilers.

    The CDC warned Friday that the obesity epidemic could soon bankrupt America’s health care system. Whatever happened to high metabolism? I miss my Twenties when I could sprinkle salt on my steak, order cheese-covered fries and a sugary dessert, and then be too coked up to eat any of it.

    The Los Angeles Times ran photographs Sunday of long lines of customers going around the block to get into L.A.’s first cannabis restaurant here in Hollywood. It reflects the human spirit in L.A. When told that ocean temperatures are dangerously high, we say, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

    The Joker opened Friday telling the back story of Batman’s famous villain. Many theaters will not allow anyone wearing clown-face into the theater, fearing violence. Police have asked white women over the age of sixty-five to chill with the makeup till we get this clown situation under control.

    The New York Times reports that a second whistleblower might emerge from the intelligence community who’ll complain about Trump’s phone calls to Ukraine’s president. It’s all starting to add up. One more whistleblower and Capitol Hill is going to sound like the dwarves going to work.

    NBC News quoted the whistleblower’s lawyer Sunday saying that a second whistleblower has come forward to rat out Trump to the Intelligence Committee. It sounds less like evidence than commentary. The whistleblower didn’t overhear Trump’s phone call to Ukraine, but he watches CNN.

    President Trump was reported Sunday to have confided to House Republicans it was Secretary of Energy Rick Perry who urged him to make the phone call to Ukraine. Rick is a living example for why you should never allow people to tell you that you aren’t good enough. You already know that.

    President Trump lashed out at the House Democrats for trying to impeach him over his Biden inquiry, insisting there was no quid pro quo. Democrats are barking up the wrong tree. I really hope they don’t call Stormy Daniels as a witness, because no one doubts that Trump paid quid for that pro.

    The Jerusalem Post reported Sunday that archaeologists and college students excavating ruins in Northern Israel just unearthed the remains of a huge city for its time five thousand years old. It was a huge discovery. They found artifacts, pottery, religious symbols and Bernie Sanders’ student ID.

    Bernie Sanders is reported doing fine and resting at Desert Sunrise Hospital in Las Vegas. He will have some explaining to do when Bernie gets back out onto the campaign trail. I am sorry to hear that Bernie had a heart scare, but I was tickled to hear he has his own room in a private hospital.

    Bernie Sanders was in Nevada when chest pains forced him into the hospital where a surgeon put in two stints. Bernie’s hospital room is filled with flowers, balloons and cards. Hillary was nice enough to have a double-chili dog with onions and an order of steak fries delivered to him personally.

    An Arkansas lady sued Hunter Biden for child support over a lovechild he denies. His cocaine use, expulsion from the Navy, dating his dead brother’s widow and foreign business deals don’t back up his denials. Hunter Biden is such a mess his intervention was held in Charlie Sheen’s living room.

    CBS News in Des Moines cited statistics saying that men in Iowa are four times more likely to commit suicide. Iowa boasts the designer of the first dirigible aircraft to cross the Atlantic and America’s first touring stunt flying circus. History teaches us man will do whatever it takes to get out of Iowa.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.