Originally published Thursday, January 17, 2019 at 08:16p.m.

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?    

President Trump invited House and Senate Democrats to the White House to discuss a deal to end the shutdown Wednesday but nobody showed up. Trump received a nice letter from Nancy Pelosi later that day. She urged the president to delay the State of the Union speech until after the Civil War.

Alabama former starting quarterback Jalen Hurt transferred to Oklahoma on Wednesday. OU is the perfect place to park young people for four years. My college years in Norman taught me that lust is not real love and Taco Bell is not real Mexican food, but both are fine when you’re drunk.

Angelina Jolie revealed in an interview with People Magazine that she is seriously considering running for public office in the near future. No one doubts she could get elected. Angelina has adopted so many children that there’s more than enough of them to make up a congressional district.

California lawmakers in Sacramento received a grim report last week saying that the Golden State led the nation in the number of people moving away. It’s not just taxes. Californians are so over-regulated that the only two things that are legal are smoking marijuana and being here illegally.

The Coast Guard reported that Trump’s shutdown so reduced its manpower that the Eastern Seaboard and Florida are wide open to smugglers. They are now unable to stop incoming drug shipments. Support for Trump is surging in Beverly Hills now that cocaine is cheaper than gasoline.

Nancy Pelosi wrote a letter to President Trump Wednesday suggesting that he re-schedule the State of the Union. It’s due to security concerns. The speech is not the time or place for Trump to express his relief that every Democrat in the Chamber successfully made it through the metal detector.

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported a seventeen-year-old boy in Missouri is suing his parents because he was born white. He feels overwhelmed by white guilt and wants them to pay the twenty grand it costs to change his skin from white to black. It’s an obvious case of attempted suicide by cop.

An Alabama judge ruled Birmingham can cover a Confederate obelisk monument. The lesson from America’s previous revolution is clear. If you won the war, the obelisk is the Washington Monument, however if you lost the war, you are lucky if Cialis buys the naming rights to the obelisk.

Iowa congressman Steve King insisted he isn’t a racist after saying he doesn’t know when the phrase white supremacy became so offensive. The left is on the warpath. A year from now colleges across the country will ban the playing of chess in student unions because white always gets to go first.

Media Research Center released a poll finding ninety-percent of CBS, ABC and NBC coverage of Trump is negative. For his part, Trump refers to the media as the Enemy of the People. As a kid, I was taught that the Great Divide was a mountain range, turns out it was the host of The Apprentice.

A Hollywood parade protested Trump’s wall as many Californians vowed to support secession from the U.S. if he gets re-elected. The Civil War comparisons may be over the top. However the Academy Awards did just invite the president to the Oscars as long as he’d agree to sit in the balcony.

Fox News aired the rapidly growing caravan of migrants as they crossed from Honduras, headed for Mexico and the U.S. border at Tijuana. You can’t beat the town’s motto. Come to Tijuana for the hope of getting into the U.S., stay because you have never seen a donkey sex show.

The Census Bureau was banned by a U.S. judge from asking people in the 2020 census whether or not they are U.S. citizens. There are ways around that. The Census takers may not be allowed to ask people if they are citizens, but they can ask every third American how they made it over the wall.