Originally published Tuesday, January 15, 2019 at 08:53p.m.

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

President Trump told a convention of farmers Monday he’ll see that vetted farm workers and household help can cross the U.S. border back and forth easily. We don’t need any more cheap migrant labor in America, we need more love. Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting sex.

House and Senate Democrats ratcheted up pressure on Trump to re-open the government this week. They believe polls saying the public is fervently on their side. To be honest, I have the same reaction to the government shutdown I had when I heard that Radio Shack was going out of business.

Republican Congressman Steve King was reprimanded by colleagues on Capitol Hill after he was heard saying he couldn’t understand why the phrase white supremacy became offensive. It’s already cost him his cooking show. It’s a shame because his cornbread recipe was just delicious.

President Trump stood in the snow Monday and slammed the New York Times story reporting that the FBI had investigated him last year for being a Russian spy after he fired James Comey. It’s all so demoralizing to me. I’m old enough to remember when Russian spies looked like Ivanka Trump.

The FBI probed Trump for espionage after he fired Comey and met with Putin. The feds think he’s too stupid to be president yet somehow he’s brilliant enough to steal an election. If Trump is a Russian agent because he met with Putin, then I’m a Yankee spy because I drank like General Grant.

The New York Times admitted it’s biased against President Trump but added that they’re right to be biased. They’ve gotten a little sloppy. The Times accidentally ran a photo of Hillary shaking hands with Trump before a 2016 debate, proving she met with a Russian agent during the campaign.

Democratic presidential candidate Julian Castro was buoyed by Obama’s call on Monday for the party to promote the young. He’s a committed progressive. In order to position himself to the left of Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, Castro may have to grow a beard, even if it costs him Florida.

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez aired a video of her Democratic Socialist proposals to overhaul America. She believes that the country has a lot of problems, and with socialism, we can turn it around three-hundred-sixty degrees. She has a plan to make the Electoral College tuition-free.

Japan announced they will begin levying an exit fee on every visitor who comes to Japan upon their departure, calling the fee a Sayonara Tax. What a terrific idea. If Mexico imposed an Adios Tax on everyone who left Mexico, they’d have enough cash to build a wall to keep the Americans out.

The National Retailers Association reported that Americans spent one hundred-thirty billion dollars shopping online during the six-week holiday period. Now’s the time to snatch up bargains. Amazon is offering a really special deal, you get free delivery for any divorce over sixty billion dollars.

The National Enquirer published a bombshell story detailing Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos and his affair that prompted his and his wife’s divorce announcement Friday. It’s got everybody talking about their possible settlement. The real question is, who gets the Seattle City Council in the divorce?

A WalMart banned a woman who rode around the store on a scooter while drinking wine out of a Pringles can and screaming she deserved the sixty million dollars. This one’s easy. It appears that Kathie Lee Gifford has made a successful transition from network TV to hosting her own podcast.