Durst: March Madness in the White House
Originally published Monday, March 26, 2018 at 06:00a.m.
And once again the crowd goes wild with a bad case of March Madness. The phrase is usually associated with the wacky zany antics surrounding the NCAA college basketball tournament. But this year it doubles as a description of the equally nutty loony goings-on in and around the White House. Following immediately on the heels of January Madness and February Madness.
The month of March proverbially comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, but this big cat of chaos is marking its territory and might require a length of extra large litter boxes longer than a Pentagon hallway. In the first three weeks of the month, the White House has demonstrated all the dignity and competence of a drunken mountain lion with irritable bowel syndrome working Sudoku.
Here’s a sampling of daft incidents gone down thus far in March.
- White House Communications Director Hope Hicks resigns after admitting telling little white lies for the President. “No, really. Your hands are huuuge.” “I love your hair that way.” “Yes, the whole country is behind you.”
- First Son-in-Law Jared Kushner is stripped of Top Secret clearance. Doesn’t matter: Ivanka’s the heavy thinker of the family.
- Economic Advisor Gary Cohn leaves to protest new tariffs on steel and aluminum. Because what successful billionaire needs economic advisors?
- President’s lawyers obtain a restraining order to keep a porn star from talking about the $130k she received to keep an affair with the president quiet. Thereby making it louder.
- Trump’s personal aide, John McEntee, is escorted from White House grounds after security clearance is pulled due to possible financial crimes. But don’t worry, he’ll be back. Fits right in.
- President Trump stuns staff by announcing summit with Kim Jong Un. But if he doesn’t read, how do they prep him for these meetings? Will they use hand puppets?
- President Trump calls MSNBC anchor Chuck Todd “a sleepy son of a bitch,” and African-American Congresswoman Maxine Waters a “low IQ individual” giving him a near insurmountable lead to repeat in this year’s “Vulgar Lout of the Year” award.
- The president fires FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe two days before he retires with full pension benefits. Because it’s not enough to be vindictive if you can’t throw in a little petty.
- Trump mocks Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau by bragging he made stuff up in a meeting. Leading many to believe next meeting will be less cordial. President Trump may be forced to assemble his own poutine.
- Trump says the reason Conor Lamb won the special election in Pennsylvania was because the Democrat “was like me.” Funny, the new congressman doesn’t look like a racist, misogynist, xenophobic, incompetent blowhard.
- President Trump lifts ban on importing elephant tusks into the country. So no matter what happens down the line, Don Jr. and Eric won’t go home empty-handed.
- The day after Secretary of State Rex Tillerson criticizes Russia, Trump fires him in a tweet. The moral being - you can call the president a “moron,” but don’t badmouth Vlad the Impaler.
Nobody’s panicking because we did survive the past 14 months and the smart money is on April Madness leading to May Madness, June Madness etc. etc., all the way up to your normal election-year November Madness. Which this time around promises to be exceptionally hysterical.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit willdurst.com.