Durst column: Ways Democrats could screw up midterms
Originally published Monday, March 19, 2018 at 06:00a.m.
Okay, Democrats, settle down. Drop the confetti and back away from the champagne. Stop punching each other in the arm, making with the whoop-whoop noises. Straighten your tie. These celebrations need to be put on hold. They are as premature as counting your chickens before they cross the road to a bridge that hasn’t been burned yet.
Sure, you might have had a few encouraging outcomes in some special elections and early midterm primaries, but those are as fleeting as the New York City Ballet dreams of an overweight third-grader in her first pair of toe shoes.
Do not be deceived into thinking that reclaiming the House of Representatives in November is a fast- break, slam-dunk because if anybody could blow a lead this late in the game, it’s you. And, the Atlanta Falcons, of course.
President Donald Trump’s approval rating could sink lower than the pressure-release screw on the bottom of a submarine sewer hose, and Democrats still couldn’t stir the electorate with a crowbar the size of Chile.
You are the kings and queens of tying your shoelaces together and tripping over your own feet. Have the killer instinct of mud. Possess the uncanny ability to pluck defeat from the jaws of victory through the tiniest dental window. Hold the Guinness book record for accidentally rolling over on the self-destruct button and blowing everything you stand for to smithereens. On that rare occasion you take a stand.
And right now, multitudes of ways to throw a monkey wrench into the midterms remain within your grasp. It may be over a half a year away. But to you do-gooder, pooch-screwing, over- hinkers, it’s a lifetime.
The following is not just the tip of the iceberg of ugly scenarios that are possible, but the crust on the nostrils of the dead donkey curled around the tip of the iceberg of ugly scenarios.
• Lousy candidates. As we’ve seen in the past, your bench is full of them.
• Horrible timing. You people would wear Yankees hats to Fenway Park on Nickel Beer Night.
• Dearth of issues. You attempt to paint yourself as Republicans with a brain and a heart, failing to realize that lacking a brain and a heart is the GOP’s base appeal.
• Trusting the media. Yes, many reporters and correspondents are smart liberals. But most of their bosses are smarter conservatives who love Donald J. Trump for being a dumpster fire that attracts eyeballs.
• Getting drunk at the prom and wrecking daddy’s T- Bird again.
• Barbra Streisand. At the last minute she tries to help.
• Hillary Clinton. Writes another book.
• Exhibit fear. Don’t ever forget the electorate can smell it.
• Stormy Daniels. Entices Bill Clinton and/ or Anthony Weiner into being pen-pals.
• Trivial stuff. Huge ugly public fights over whether the latest presidential rebuke should be printed with black or blue ink.
• Eating your own. Does the term Al Franken have any meaning here?
• Nancy Pelosi. She talks for another 8 hours, causing people to remember, “Oh yeah, she’s still the head Dem, right?”
• Two words. Bernie freaking Sanders.
• Underestimating Donald Trump. Especially his allure to that segment of America that believes professional wrestling is legitimate.
• And finally: Two more words. Elizabeth freaking Warren.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit willdurst.com.