Originally published Saturday, August 12, 2017 at 06:01a.m.
BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Astronomy Magazine warns people to wear dark glasses for the solar eclipse next week. Don’t miss it. This is the one time in our lives we can look up at the sky and watch the missiles coming from North Korea and the missiles heading for North Korea pass in front of the sun at the same time.
President Trump was reported on Thursday considering sending North Korea’s dictator Kim Jung Un a free airline ticket to fly to Washington D.C. to calmly discuss his nuclear weapons program. That was to satisfy the peace crowd. To satisfy the war crowd, we’d have him flying United.
North Korea’s dictator Kim Jung Un threatened to launch four ICBM missiles in an attack on the U.S. Pacific island territory of Guam. That afternoon, people on Guam enjoyed the nicest day they’ve had in years. History teaches us that the safest place to be is wherever North Korea is aiming.
North Korean television aired a speech from Kim Jung Un to North Korea’s ruling council on Wednesday in which he warned that North Korea’s missiles can destroy Los Angeles, Chicago and New York. The threat makes absolutely no sense at all. Is Kim trying to defeat Trump or re-elect him?
Kim Jung Un issued a broadcast from North Korea Friday boasting his nuclear missiles could rain nuclear fallout on the West Coast and turn it into a wasteland. The threat fell on deaf ears in this town. People in Los Angeles aren’t afraid of nuclear fallout unless you tell us it’s got gluten in it.
North Korea’s threat of a nuclear attack Tuesday caught U.S. school children undrilled in civil defense. Two generations of kids have not practiced duck and cover. In the last forty years, the only American to practice the drill of going under the desk in case of an attack was Monica Lewinsky.
Los Angeles schools were compelled to create nuclear attack drills for kids Friday. When Baby Boomers were kids, nuclear attack drills included lining us up in the hallway, bent over and face down with our hands over our heads. It was great early training for waiting in line for concert tickets.
President Trump vowed Tuesday that fire and fury will rain on North Korea if they attack. The next day he doubled down and said that wasn’t harsh enough. Why should Americans pay good money for cable or Netflix for home entertainment when President Trump costs only a dollar a year?
The National Rifle Association aired a series of tough TV ads attacking the mainstream media for deprecating gun rights. They declare guns may be one of America’s last lines of defense against ISIS. The first line of defense is pretending that you’re not home when the terrorist rings the doorbell.
The Department of Homeland security reported on Thursday that twenty-three percent of all federal prisoners are illegal immigrants. It’s a dream come true. They crossed the border looking for free food, free medical and free rent, but they never thought they’d get free gym membership, too.
President Trump spoke to reporters in New Jersey Thursday and declared the nation’s opioid crisis a national emergency. Trump vowed to step up government efforts to combat the prescription drug scourge. Maybe our nation’s next Alcohol Awareness Program should emphasize how good it is.
An AMA Journal study Friday said one of eight Americans are now diagnosable as alcoholics, due likely to the huge number of Millennials turning thirty, an age when the fun starts turning into problems. I understand the moment of truth. Alcohol isn’t the answer but it was always my first guess.
Tiger Woods pleaded guilty to reckless driving Thursday a few weeks after Florida cops found him passed out behind the wheel on Ambien. He’s already been to sex rehab, and now he will go to drug rehab. Tiger is just a murder acquittal away from completing his degree in Los Angeles Studies.